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You Do Enough, You Have Enough, You Are Enough
By admin | December 6, 2009
I’ve been working on the launch of my new business. It’s a event company that does retreats for women who run workshops and retreats for others. Kind of the leader’s retreat space. The way it’s designed, I’ll be working long hours during the retreats and having lots of time off when the retreats aren’t happening. Since the events are designed to be small, I don’t have to worry about spending a lot of time in the scheduling department either (plus I have it in the plan that I’ll be hiring an event planner for this task, so it’s not my job anyway).
Why do I tell you this? Because I just realized today that I’ve been thinking about ways to fill the rest of my time. I’ve been feeling like what I’m doing isn’t enough. Not because what we’re planning isn’t good enough because it certainly is – it’s awesome in fact. But because I won’t be filling all of my time. Odd that I should say that when one of my goals has been to have lots of free time to spend with people I enjoy. But I realized that this is exactly what I’ve been fretting about.
And so I resolve now to accept that what I am planning is enough. I don’t have to do anything else if I don’t want to. Everything else after that is gravy – something I do for fun. And I’m cool with that. Because I know that no matter what: I do enough, I have enough and I am enough.
I wanted to share this with you in case anyone else out there was stressing out because you felt that you weren’t doing enough. It’s been a rough year. There’s been a ton of emotional upheaval, financial upheaval, and personal upheaval going around. No one I know has gone untouched by it. So give yourself a break. And when you feel like you’re not meeting your mark, swing by a mirror and look yourself in the eye and say “You Do Enough, You Have Enough, You Are Enough”. I promise it will make you feel better.
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A World Powered By Kindness
By admin | December 2, 2009
Kindness as Currency
I just watched an Absolute Vodka commercial and while I don’t normally forward these types of things, I thought it was an interesting concept to explore today. The premise of the video is that the currency of the world becomes kindness. So you see people paying for their bus ride with a kiss on the driver’s forehead and getting credits at the bank for kisses on the cheeks of the tellers and checking out for their groceres by hugging the cashier. Absurd? A little. But intriguing.
Presence
The thing that caught my attention most was the woman in the cab who put her hand up to the cab driver’s hand and spent a moment staring into his eyes. She was just being present with him. It brings me back to my last post about the gift of presence.
Imagine – I Wonder If You Can
While this commercial isn’t practical for a lot of reasons (what happens, for instance, when we experience scarcity?), it does bring me to wonder out loud if the world wouldn’t be an easier, happier place to live in if we took a moment to get outside of ourselves and be present with each person we interact with in our lives.
A Brotherhood of Man
How would you act differently if you were fully present with each person in your world. Would you speak differently to your children if you weren’t in a hurry to get to work? Would you take a moment to kiss your spouse and look into their eyes for a moment before heading out the door? Would you notice a little physical cue that the person who just walked into your office may be having a bad day? Would you smile more, offer more hugs, breathe more, and feel less stress? I think so.
Finding Peace
Especially during the holidays when we can be so frenetic, it’s important to take a moment to notice your surroundings, pay attention to the people around you, and spend some time just being present. When you are not hurrying to the next appointment or worrying about the last one, there is a space of peace right in the middle that is available to us anytime. Just stop for a minute and breathe. Even if it means you have to go hide in the bathroom or take a walk without (gasp!) your cell phone – do it.
You and everyone around you will be happier for it.
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The Present of Presence
By admin | November 27, 2009
On this Black Friday, I wanted to offer up a bit of perspective.
Gifts Are Not The Point Of The Season
We live in a commerical society. The holidays have been coopted from a time when we love and care for our fellow (wo)man to a time when we spend ourselves ragged and hope we can catch up next year. This year, I wanted to remind you that the gift are not the point of the season. Sure, our economy could use the boost of a good holiday purchase binge, but is it really going to offer you and yours happiness in the coming year? Or would having a bit of a financial cushion actually offer more peace of mind?
Forced Gift Giving
I don’t participate in what I refer to as “forced gift giving”. Having been subjected to years and years of catalog presents that my mother bought just so that I could “have something to open”, I have discovered that it isn’t the number of gifts one gets, it’s the quality of the connection that we have. Even my boyfriend and I don’t exchange gifts at the holidays or on birthdays. We give gifts when we truly feel called to give them and that usually makes them “Tuesday presents” – gifts offered for the joy of giving that thing that just wouldn’t let you leave without getting it for someone in particular.
Avoiding Awkwardness
Every year, I have to take my new friends aside and explain this idea to them so that we don’t end up in the odd “should I or shouldn’t I” thing around gifts. I tell them that I don’t do forced gift giving and that therefore they shouldn’t expect to receive anything from me and I won’t expect anything from them. Most are visibly relieved at having one less person to buy for. Those rare few who truly enjoy the process and are visibly disappointed I assure that if they feel like they really want to get me something they can, but no to expect me to go shopping – I flat out refuse to go into a mall between a week before Thanksgiving and a week after Christmas.
Instead of Presents this Year Offer Presence
Instead, I offer the gift of my presence. Because I am not frantically running around trying to find “the perfect gift” or any stupid gift that will do, I am not stressed out. Because I don’t have gifts to wrap and packages to ship and crowds to fight, I have peace of mind. It’s that simple. So when someone calls stressed out from the holidays, I offer to go out for coffee or sit and chat for a bit to allow them time to wind down. I give them the present of my presence when they need it. If I were out pounding the pavement looking for gifts, I’d never have the time and/or calm to be able to do this.
Reduce Your Holiday Purchase List
So here’s my suggestion to you on this Black Friday. Call five of your closest friends with whom you usually exchange gifts. Offer to put a moratorium on gift giving this year. Take them off the hook and let yourself off the hook at the same time. It’s that simple.
Breathe. It’s good. I highly recommend it.
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Gender Roles And Purpose – A Macro Look at the World – Part IV
By admin | November 24, 2009
One of the biggest challenges facing America today is the muddled gender roles that we’ve created. Wait – that’s not really right. The muddled gender roles aren’t the root issue. The root issue is the inability and outright social unacceptability of creating your own role regardless of gender.
History of Gender In America
Let’s take a look at the past. Gender roles have been pretty consistent in American culture for the entirety of the history of our country until the 1950’s. Sure, there was an evolution of freedom and power that started earlier, but the roles themselves were still clearly defined. The woman stayed home and took care of the children and the man was responsible for providing for the financial and physical well-being of the family. Women’s jobs were to be the guardian of the relationships – men to be the guardian of the body/space/home. All of this stayed relatively stable from 1776 – 1950, and then the 60’s happened.
The 1960’s and Beyond
With the sixties came free love, war protests, and women in the workplace. (Well, to be fair, the “women in the workplace” seed was sown in the 1940’s with Rosie the Riveter and the war efforts.) The seventies brought the Enjolie woman who could “bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you’re a man.” The 80’s ramped that Pollyannaish image up into a frenzy with the Yuppie craze and the image of the Supermom. And, now, finally in the first decade of the new millennium, we’re beginning to get realistic about what women can accomplish in a day without going completely insane.
Where Are The Men?
You’ll notice that I keep talking about women’s gender roles. This is because women’s gender roles are easy to track – we’ve been talking about them for more than a generation. But men’s roles have been shifting too and in remarkably undefined ways. Men have been shifting in relation to women, but no one has given them direction about how they are to change. Men have gone from being the “man of the house” responsible for everything, to being expected to take a back seat to Supermom, to being required to participate as a full partner these days. If I were a man, I’d have major whiplash by now.
Balancing The Scales
This process of women going from being subservient to being expected to be all-powerful, and then finding balance in the middle point is a classic process of change in any scenario where a change of mindset is required. We often swing to the opposite extreme before settling into a comfortable mid-point, just to allow ourselves to get our brains fully around both ends of the spectrum before we find a happy medium.
The Breakdown of Gender Roles
The challenge with this breakdown of gender roles is that many people in every generation have defined themselves strongly by their gender and this self-definition gave them at least part of their sense of purpose in the world. Those who didn’t want to explore a personal sense of purpose could at least buy into a gender purpose. But with the breakdown of those roles today, we are being forced to take on more responsibility for crafting our lives and our purpose in those lives.
No Education in Self-Definition
As I spoke about in Part III, we aren’t taught many of the basic skills required for critical thinking in school, and this includes any education on self-definition or the creation of one’s life purpose. In fact, the only people who learn anything about these skills in the traditional education system are people who study psychology – and they learn it not from a personal perspective but from a perspective of understanding others. So how is it that we as a culture expect our citizens to be able to formulate their own self-definition when no one has given us the tools to do so?
Lost and Alone
So what is left is a bunch of people foundering in a morass of expectations without definition, each one feeling that their experience is unique and they are in some way defective in not being able to figure out why they feel something is inherently missing in their lives. They feel out of control, lost, and alone – abandoned by their archetypal parent who has failed to help them define this area of their lives. This is the environment in which fear and anger blossom.
The Solution
So, what is to be done? We are in a world where gender roles have broken down. In my opinion, this is a blessing. It provides a freedom of choice for both genders that has not existed in the past. But It is hard to choose when you don’t even know what your options are or how to define them. What we need now is some education on how to think and on what the possibilities and options are for the choices around who we want to be in the world now that we do have a choice. This means teaching people how to get to know themselves better. Perhaps, once we do this, we will find it easier to create a culture that takes responsibility for itself and for the effects that its choices have had on the environment and the world.
A Macro Look at the World: Part I – Revisioning Business
A Macro Look at the World: Part II – A Return to Tribalism in America
A Macro Look at the World: Part III – Think, People! Figure It Out!
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Women Coming Into Our Power
By admin | November 16, 2009
There is a Goddess movement growing in our country. I feel it in the air. I see it in the groups being brought forth. I see it in the workshops being taught, the topics being explored and the comments made by the learned and the ignorant. It is time for the divine feminine to come forward.
We are coming to a greater understanding as women of who the Goddess is and how she plays a role in our lives in terms of who we are and who we choose to be. It is becoming more acceptable (although still sometimes dangerous) for women to be powerful – in a personal power stance as opposed to the male corporate power structure form that we had been taught as children of the 80s.
We are also coming into balance – not expecting ourselves to be the superwomen our mothers tried and failed to be. We have taken power over our own bodies and our own sexuality. We are allowing for compassion and for receptivity and for softness to balance the strength. It is only from this place of balance that the true Goddess energy can come into form.
Men and women are different. We are compatible. We are complimentary. But we are inherently different. Women need to come into an understanding of who they are outside of the context of the patriarchy or else we run the risk of defining ourselves by its terms.
The hardest thing to do is to undo your underlying assumptions about right and wrong, assumptions about your place in the world, assumptions about how things in life interrelate. It is hard not because we are attached to them per se, but because they are so ingrained that we are often unaware that we have even made the assumption in the first place. It is this level of undoing of assumption that we need to do to find our place in the world as women of grace and power. This is the challenge, and the adventure ahead of us. I’m working on it as I know many of you are as well. I look forward to seeing you on the journey.
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In Search of the Goddess/AntiChrist?
By admin | November 15, 2009
I was speaking with a woman at the Diesel Cafe the other day on the subject of women’s power and the ideals of ancient Goddess mythos. Being a teacher of these things, she pointed me to several publications and prominent people in the field. I followed the links online and found a very interesting concept.
One of the links she gave me was to Jack Parsons who was a devotee of Aleister Crowley. In Wikipedia, it tells about his writings and his dealings with L. Ron Hubbard. Evidently, in 1946, they, Aleister Crowley, Sampson Bennetts, and Sara Melian Gabriel participated in a ritual called The Babalon Working which was designed to bring a living Goddess into the world. Upon further reading on this topic, I saw that in Enochian, Babalon means “wicked”.
OK, now follow with me here. It is well-known that when a new religion takes over, it vilifies and makes evil the old religion. This is done as a way of converting people to the new belief and getting rid of the old. In Christianity, women are very often shown as being the bringers of evil or as being inherently evil. Lilith (Adam’s first wife) was thrown aside for asserting her power and was cast into the mythos as the Queen of the Demons. Eve was the cause of humanity’s fall from grace. Even Mary Magdalene, devotee and right hand of Christ was cast as a prostitute (a “fact” which has been challenged by reputed scholars). It seems clear that in the pulling away from the Goddess archetype in religion, women were cast in the role as evil.
So, are you ready for it? If it is true that women were painted by the nascent church as evil, is it not possible that the coming of the “Anti-Christ” heralded in the scriptures might actually be the return of the Goddess into the world?
Something to ponder on a Sunday morning.
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Think People! Figure It Out! – A Macro Look at the World – Part III
By admin | November 14, 2009
What’s Wrong With The World Today?
The world is changing rapidly. The technologically, the last 100 years have seen more change than the last 1000 years before it. Mindsets within an established governmental structure are shifting faster than ever before in history. The ability to adapt has never been more important than in today’s world.
Stress Levels Are Through The Roof
And with any need to adapt comes the inherent stress of that change on the body. We are seeing higher obesity rates (linked to stress through higher production of cortisol which causes weight gain), higher rates of heart disease, and higher rates of depression as well as anxiety-related disorders.
Out of Control
The world feels out of control and to the average person, it feels as though we are powerless to change it. Part of this sense of helplessness comes from the fact that we are taught to accept the things we are told, pretty much on faith. We are not taught to question our assumptions or to think for ourselves.
We Don’t Learn How To Think
Our basic education system is designed to create a mindset of conformity and structure and to teach us to “follow the rules”. It is not designed to teach us to think. For that skill, you have to go to college. Why? Because if you think for yourself, you might disagree with the people in charge and that makes you hard to control. The problem with this is that in today’s culture, our children are getting the message to question and indeed to challenge authority through music, television, video games and other popular culture mediums – and they are getting this message in the absence of any education on how to think for themselves. This is a very dangerous combination.
Manipulation by Fear and Anger
What happens when people don’t learn to think and are encouraged to blindly defy authority is that they are easily swayed by anger and fear mongering. A thoughtful person, for instance, would realize that there is no reason for the Homeland Security Threat Alerts except to control the level of fear in the average person on the street. When people are afraid, they are more compliant with authority – looking to it as a parent that is supposed to take care of them. When people are thoughtful, they might want to know why the terrorists hate us in the first place (a question I waited to be asked and answered after the 9/11 attacks which never was).
Many People Refuse To Engage Their Brains
Yes, we’re not taught to think. But even to the extent that most people are capable of engaging, many refuse to do so. Part of this, in my opinion, is the result of 50 years of television. We have trained ourselves that when we are not at work and expected to be thoughtful, that we turn our brains off by watching the pablum put out by the majority of Hollywood. This doesn’t serve us.
Engage Your Brain and Take Control of Your Life
It is only through critical thought and true reflection that we have the ability to change. And it is only through changing ourselves that we can hope to create change in our circumstances. In the challenging economic climate, it is a world of innovate or die. If we don’t learn to stop blindly following the crowd and instead start to forge a new path for ourselves – one made with conscious choice based on consider thought – we as a culture will find ourselves looking back several years from now wondering “what happened?”
A Macro Look at the World: Part I – Revisioning Business
A Macro Look at the World: Part II – A Return to Tribalism in America
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The Resurgence of Tribalism in America – A Macro look at the World – Part II
By admin | November 6, 2009
Yesterday, I discussed how a desire for freedom and a need for purpose are fueling our workforce. Today I want to discuss how tribalism is affecting our modern day culture. It is my intention to do a series of these “Macro Look at the World” discussions to give us an overview to set the tone for a larger strategic discussion of how this all affects the real estate industry as a whole. It’s going to be a wide-ranging discussion, but if you stick with it, it will all come together in the end. I promise.
Tribalism – A Definition
First I want to begin with a definition of tribalism so that you have context for what I am talking about. I am not talking about “tribe” in the traditional idea of a small unit of people who live together, interbreed, and rely on one another for safety, sustenance and survival. What I mean by tribe in this context is the tendency of people to form into groups for specific purposes and to treat those groups as a type of “family-of-choice”. They do bear a resemblance to the traditional definition in that rely on one another for emotional support, sometimes they intertwine their financial lives, they might even interbreed or live together. Or they might not. Let’s look at the ways in which tribes are forming in America (and sometimes around the world) today.
Social Media Tribes
When I talk about tribalism to people they will often direct me to the Internet as the classic example. There are all kinds of tribal groups in the social media scene. You can find a special interest group on any topic. And, through the miracle of technology, people from around the country and around the globe can form friendships based on a common interest. These friendships can be as real as any IRL friendship a person can have – in some cases, they are even more real since the lack of physical proximity can often remove the barriers of resistance to sharing information that might be damaging if it got out to one’s IRL friends.
The Human Animal
Desmond Morris in his ground-breaking television series, The Human Animal, discussed the creation of tribes. He studied humans in small towns and big cities and he discovered that small towns are their own tribes, but as a group gets too big, people form sub-tribes – units smaller than the whole – to have a sense of community and connection. This is why people will walk by someone in pain on the street in a big city – that person is not part of their tribe – they do not feel connected or responsible to them. This is also why there isn’t a sense of connection with everyone on the Internet – it’s just too big. But you can have strong affinities within smaller groups.
Tribalism in Relationships
I keep hearing more people talk about their families in a new way. They are referring to their “blood family” and then they refer to their “family of choice” – meaning their group of friends to whom they feel so close that they have adopted them as family. Many people are choosing to spend holidays with the latter over the former Some are placing the responsibility for life and death decisions around living wills and the assignment of executors of estates on “family of choice” rather than blood relations as well. Some are even moving this tribal mentality into their romantic relationships forming triads or more of interwoven relationships as part of the polyamory movement.
Tribalism in Housing
Even platonically, there are a growing number of intentional communities being formed using co-housing and community housing (many people sharing a larger home) concepts. Children are literally being “raised by a village” of people within the community of the co-housing or community housing development. Elders are being able to broaden their environment of interaction, parents are getting help and child care, and children are receiving a broad spectrum of input from a wide variety of individuals who are caring for them in their lives.
Tribalism in Business
There are even businesses forming that represent a tribal approach. Consider the cooperative farms, Napster, and even ZipCar. The concept being one of sharing the cost to get more resources for lower expense per person.
Support Group Tribes
Groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Cancer Survivors Network, grief groups, Weight Watchers, group therapy programs, and more are nothing more than tribes built around the concept of supporting their members through some major shift in their lives. Even business has these types of support groups. Consider the Chamber of Commerce, BNI, The American Business Women’s Association, and other professional organizations. Political movements have their support group tribes as well in the form of political action campaigns. Charities have their groups, as do religious beliefs – even atheists have groups.
Why Form Tribes At All?
All of this clumping into groups – why do we do it? There are many practical reasons for forming tribes. They provide support in the form of sharing the work load or the emotional burden. They offer the opportunity to reduce expenses by sharing resources. In some cases, they provide a sense of “safety in numbers”. But, ultimately, once you take away all of the practical reasons, people just need a place to belong, a place where they are welcomed. (I’m thinking along the lines of the Cheers “Hi, Norm!” sort of concept of belonging.) It is this sense of belonging that allows us to feel secure and forms the basis for our definition of self. I.E. – I am (name). I’m a (professional title). I attend this religious circle, these workshops, belong to these online groups, and am a part of these communities. Through these statements we tell other about ourselves, but we also use them to define who we are internally – using the outside world as a mirror to see ourselves.
Being In Community
Even here, online, we have our community. This is our place to come together and have a sense of camaraderie – the knowledge that when we say something here, people will understand it. Life is all about being seen, heard, understood and accepted for who we are. These are at the core of all people’s needs. By forming tribes, we hope to gain a greater chance of getting those needs met. Thanks for being part of my tribe.
A Macro Look at the World: Part I – Revisioning Business
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Revisioning Business
By admin | November 5, 2009
I have been having many conversations with movers and shakers in the last couple of weeks. I’ve talked to internet marketers, corporate consultants, brokerage consultants and more and all agree on one thing: the way we’ve done business in the past is no longer the way we will do it in the future. This economic downturn combined with the next generation of workers having a wholly different set of values sets the stage for massive change in the way America does business.
The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss
For those of you who haven’t read this book – go read it. It’s fascinating. The thing I find most fascinating about it is its popularity. It clearly defines a lifestyle that is far beyond most people’s risk tolerance, but it still appeals to the masses. Want to guess why? Freedom. It shows the reader one path to freedom. And the issue that’s going to be the biggest concern for business in the coming years is just this yearning for freedom.
The Inauguration
A couple of days ago, Barack Obama was inaugurated as our 44th President. Millions came out to watch the event and millions more around the world attended via television and the Internet. Why? Because on a subtle, almost unconscious level, the inauguration of the first African American to the highest office in the nation of a people who had as recently as 144 years ago engaged in the practice of slavery makes a potent statement about freedom and how far we have come.
Today’s Enslavement
Today, people are feeling like slaves to their jobs, their mortgages, their children, their spouses, their responsibilities, and their lives in general. They are feeling like they are being dragged through life rather than engaging the adventure. The blush is off the rose of the pursuit of wealth for wealth’s sake. Anytime I speak to a room of people looking to improve their circumstances I ask them how much money they want to make. When I get that answer, I ask them why.
Why People Pursue Money
There are many reasons in the past why people have pursued money. They have done it for power, for safety, for security, for the adventure, for the toys, and for the challenge. And yet, oddly, in the last 10 years every time I pose that question, time after time the answer comes back the same: “I want to be able to do what I want when I want to do it.” And that, my dear friends, is freedom.
Freedom and the Generations
I have spent a fair amount of time with the people in the 18-30 age range, and I will tell you that they have a different view of the world than those of my generation do (I’ll be 40 this year). And those in my generation have a vastly different view than our parents did.
My Father’s Generation
My father’s definition of life is to work hard, meet your responsibilities, provide for the family, and try to enjoy yourself in the small spaces in between. That is what responsible citizens do. He and I have always been at odds when it comes to his view of my life. Because when faced with the same decisions that he had, I chose a different path.
My Path
Rather than pursuing wealth, I have chosen freedom – pretty much every time. I’ve walked away from tens of thousands of dollars when it was a choice between giving up my freedom of choice or giving up the cash. It was a no-brainer decision every time. Now I am not typical of my generation – I’m much more like the 18-30 set of today.
The 30-40 Somethings (A.K.A. – Gen X)
Most of the people in my generation are hard workers, we’re not afraid to get our hands dirty and we know that we have to work for what we get, but we, unlike our parents, crave the freedom that we can see just beyond our reach. We have not resigned ourselves to the idea that we will never have it or that we will have to wait until retirement to have it. We want it now! Most of us however aren’t willing to give up our creature comforts to have it.
The Next Generation
But those in their 20s right now don’t have this limitation. They are perfectly happy to live in smaller quarters with more people. They are not attached to having the same toys that Gen Xers grew up thinking we were entitled to. They are consistently choosing the environment over themselves, a sense of purpose over creature comforts, and freedom over money. This is going to be a major problem for the country based on consumerism and excess. Our next generation isn’t buying it – not the ideals, not anything.
The 4-Hour Workweek
So I’m back to the 4-Hour Workweek and its message. The challenge for business in the coming years is going to be to address not just this next generation’s demand for freedom, but also my generation’s craving for it. Business is also going to need to buy into a sense of purpose larger than its own desire to grow and be profitable. We, as a culture, are exhausted from all of this running. We need a sense of purpose and the experience of freedom to keep us moving forward.
Freedom and Purpose
These are going to be the buzzwords of the next decade. As you think about how you can re-vision your business, consider how you can build in these aspects of life into your plan. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to dismantle my assumptions about how business “should” be done, so that I can free myself to vision a new tomorrow that is not fettered by yesterday’s dogma. I’m not there yet, but I’m cogitating.
Stay Tuned
I’ve got more to say on this subject. My next step: The Resurgence of Tribalism in America. I’ll do that post later today or tomorrow. In the meantime, if you have some creative thoughts on how business can be restructured in light of these new ideals, I’d love to hear them.
Yours in Freedom,
Kelle Sparta
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On Being Big
By admin | November 2, 2009
I Am BIG
My whole life, it’s been impossible for me to hide. I’ve got a big voice and a big personality and, more recently, a big body. I take up space. There’s no denying it. Personally I like being big. Some people find it intimidating, but if they take a moment to engage with me, they find that I may be big, but I also make huge amounts of space for others.
Space for Others
At my party this weekend, I invited people to share some of their memories of me. (I love to see what people remember, it often reminds me of things I’ve forgotten.) One of the people at the party made the comment that she remembered me listening to her as she talked about her experiences when she had lived in another state. She felt not only seen, but understood and held in reverence. One of the reasons this is so is because I accept her for who she is. I don’t judge her. The fact is that I am likely the least judgmental person you’ll meet. And this is why I find it so incomprehensible when others judge me.
When Will Judging Based on Weight Be “Un PC”?
I can’t wait until what is “politically correct” catches up for me. It’s not OK to judge people by their race, it’s almost not OK to judge people by their gender, but it seems that it’s still fair game to judge people by their weight. You’d be amazed at the judgments that people put out about me because of my weight.
Unhappy? Not!
They assume I’m unhappy and that I eat to make everything alright. That’s patently not true. I am in fact quite a happy person. Do I eat on the rare occassions that I am unhappy? Yep. But I eat at other times too.
Lazy? Not!
They assume that I’m lazy because I don’t go to the gym. Am I lazy? Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I get more done in a day than the average person gets done in a week. Nope – not lazy. Simply put – I hate to sweat and I don’t like doing things that a) aren’t interactive and b) don’t get me anywhere. Now if I get on my bike and ride to someplace I want to go, or I walk down to the corner store, I’m happy to get some exercise. But sitting in a gym and staring at the walls while I pretend to walk somewhere just isn’t my game.
Stupid? Not!
They assume that I’m not so bright because clearly I don’t understand the health risks associated with being “overweight” (don’t get me started on that term). If you’ve read my blog for any time at all, I think you’ll be able to say with certainty that being “no so bright” is not one of my qualities either. And, quite frankly, I bet that my blood pressure is lower than most of the people’s reading this (110/76) and my cholesterol hasn’t moved since I was 18 (about 120 pounds ago).
Lacking Will Power? Not!
They assume that I have no will power. But I have fasted for two weeks. And I have given up all sugar and red meat for a month. I have even gone off dairy for a year. I have lots of will power.
Keep The Judgments to Yourself
They assume somehow that they have the right to tell me that I should lose weight. People close to me mention it because they are “concerned for my health”. They believe that because they love me, they have the right to weigh in on the matter. And yet even that justification doesn’t always work because sometimes even strangers feel that they have the right to tell me what to do with my body.
Even on My Birthday
I got a birthday card recently from a reader (it was my birthday yesterday). And the message in the card was lovely. There was a picture of cake on the left of the card and yet when I scrolled down, somehow, I felt less than appreciated. Below the picture of the cake was a message that said “Nothing Tastes as Good as Slim Feels, Celebrate Wisely”. So it seems that because I am large, even on the day that everyone else in the world is encouraged to indulge, I am not allowed. As though I am to do pennance for my size.
Unseen
It’s very sad to feel so completely unseen in this way. Ironically, last week I ordered a shipment of Nurtisystem and it should be arriving in a day or so. I did it not because I am unhappy with how I look, but because I am wanting to be a little more agile as I wander through life and this having been my 40th birthday, I figured that I’d better get on it before my metabolism slows down more. I almost didn’t tell you this because I was afraid that it would unsay everything I’ve said. But I trust you, dear reader, to be smarter than that.
Judgement is An Ugly Thing
What I am saying is that judgment is an ugly thing – for any reason. It feels bad to be judged but it is worse for the person doing the judging. You know why? Because while I only feel judged when someone outright does it to my face, those who judge others feel judged constantly – even when they aren’t being judged by anyone else. They are judging themselves and this is what weighs on them, more than my pounds ever could weigh on me.
So I thank you for your love and concern and I’ll thank you to keep your judgments to yourself. I am beautiful and sexy and amazing just as I am. And I always will be – no matter what size I choose to be.
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